I wanted to write a final chapter from my season of life at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. My time in Oregon has ended, and I am now sitting in my house in MI watching huge beautiful snowflakes come down while I write this. Yes, it is a chapter in my life’s story that has ended—but that just means that another chapter is beginning! This is not THE end, just an ending. A beginning of a NEW chapter!
My thoughts go in two different directions. First, I want to share with you from my heart. It is you, those who have supported and stood by me that share in this heart journey of mine. You have had a part in my life changing—forever—and for lives at the ranch being changed as well. Thank you for your part—I am humbly honored to be a recipient of your gifts. Secondly, I want to share some parting photos and thoughts as our ranch program wound down for the year. It was bittersweet to leave the new friends I made.
So, as you are probably used to by now, strap yourself in for this read. Get a cup of coffee or tea and settle in for a lengthy blog. My prayer is that He gets the glory, and when you are finished, your heart burns and longs and seeks Him more.
PART 1
Hoof beats. What comes to your mind when you read that? Probably an image of a horse. Then, as you think about it, it is not just the image, it is the sound. The sound of a horse, or a group of horses running, galloping, frolicking together. As you think more, it goes even deeper. It is about a community, relationships, and family. Horses are herd animals…meaning they are social creatures that require and desire interaction with others.
When I left Michigan and headed to Oregon I had much to ponder. I knew in my head that this was going to be an adventure of epic proportions. I knew horses had two ears and two eyes (usually), four legs and one tail—but that was about the extent of my horse knowledge. I had every confidence I would learn about horses, and maybe even grow to love them. There was no doubt that I loved children deeply and I was looking forward to spending time with them. I was looking forward to exploring God’s amazing creation on foot, on bike and on my motorcycle. What I didn’t factor in was the ranch staff. It wasn’t very long after arriving at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch that it was very evident they were a family, a herd. Yes, there were individuals who had assigned duties and tasks that were done separately—yet looking deeper, not really. The longer I was there, the clearer it became that they worked together as a unit. They shared everything—and I mean everything. From the Starbucks coffee cup they were drinking out of, to creative administrative ideas, to working together on outdoor projects, to training and riding horses, to how they shared together in their walk of faith with God. From laughter to tears; from the hard times to the ecstatic times; from the times of struggles and challenges to the successes and victories; all were shared. There was an openness and accountability with each other in many areas of their personal and work lives. They, as a ranch family were committed to each other and put God and His principles first, others second and themselves last.
This was all slightly, well no, MAJORLY foreign to me. I’m a bit more hesitant and reluctant and sometimes have outright refused to live in such an open way. Part of how this came to be was as a defense mechanism, part as a matter of survival, and part, how I was raised. None of this excuses or rationalizes anything. I am no longer a child, and I have been able for a long time to make choices. A friend once told me: Your response is your responsibility.
As a newcomer, there seems to be this “dance” at the beginning of a relationship where they (CPYR) were checking me out, and, yes, I was doing the same with them. Their “dance” was short—and I was told with both words and actions that I was accepted wholeheartedly as part of the “CPYR herd” within days of arrival. I, on the other hand was not so gracious. I deep down wanted to be part of the herd—but only with some of my own terms. I wanted to keep what was “mine”. MY areas of pride, self sufficiency, and nicely hidden closets of my past and present.
What do you think happened?
We are such a “me” society. A “me culture”. It’s all about me. What I need, what I want, what I have, what I want to give you, what I possess, what I’ve done, where I’ve gone…I know you are tracking with me. We are bombarded by the TV and movies we watch, the books and magazines we read, and even the news shows we find so necessary to stay up on. Many themes are centered on how we can make our houses, cars, vacations, physical and mental bodies cleaner, better, healthier, prettier, or more stylish. The focus has shifted from “what about them, or how can I make help/make a difference with them”, to “what about me, and how I can help/make a difference in me”.
I was living in that “me-ism”. But, I rationalized, I was better than _________ because I didn’t have the extra house to vacation in, or a boat on the lake. I didn’t have the latest and greatest lawnmower, fashion clothes, vehicle, or decorations in my house. I volunteered, I gave money to charities, I was better then “them”. I didn’t see myself as isolated or insulated, prejudiced or prideful. It wasn’t like I lived as a hermit, I mean I led Bible Studies, was involved in the children’s program at church, had a job that required me to do lots of training, networking and use interpersonal skills. It wasn’t like I never shared myself with others. However, it was done on my terms. What or when I wanted to share or not to share. What or when I wanted to buy or not buy. I think you get the drift. It was all about me.
So, (meanwhile, back at the ranch :-) ) you can now begin to understand the inward struggle and my outward responses. You probably have read my blog up to this point, so I am not going to repeat what the Lord has been teaching/changing/molding in me. To summarize, I would say the first few months God’s focus was on my past—realizing that life is a process, that there are layers that He will always continue to peel back because He desires me to be more like Him. He wants me to release my past, and to let it go, layer by layer. To learn how to receive from Him, and from others. The middle months of my time in Oregon centered around my head injury and the healing process. I am not who I am because of what I can accomplish or tasks I can complete, I am who I am because of Who lives inside me, and Who wants every part of me surrendered to Him—including my “doing” parts. Relationships are so important—in fact vital and foundational for life. Jesus Christ was all about relationships—and while building and maintaining and loving and growing them He “did” miracles, or took boat rides, or ate meals. The last months at the ranch the Father’s focus was on my day to day living. It was not on the past, nor on relationships (and I could just as easily use the word community here), it was on how I lived and responded to life each day.
I attended Sisters Community Church while in Oregon and Pastor Tim repeated over and over and over again something I didn’t really “hear” until my drive home with Anna. It was during our conversations together that what was going on in my heart the last few months came in to focus by the power of the Holy Spirit. My heart was so convicted, and full of grief. Here are his words as I remember them: My behavior reveals what my beliefs truly are. I’ll repeat it again since it has taken me so long to begin to get it: my behavior reveals what my beliefs truly are. My negative, selfish, angry or prideful habits or attitudes are NOT a result of my “not feeling good health wise today”, or my financial situation, or “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed” or “someone hurt my feelings today”. My sarcastic or snippy or critical or judgmental words are not able to be rationalized away because of my background, or that is “how we normally talk to each other”, or, “I was just joking”, or “if they wouldn’t of said/done that to me then I wouldn’t of said/done that to them”, or “at least I am not as bad as _________”. Practically speaking then, when I say with my mouth that I believe in being kind, considerate, loving, gentle, tolerant, forgiving, etc--- it is only lip service (religion) and not truly my belief system when I act contrary. For what I REALLY, TRULY believe in my heart, is proved in my words and actions. Luke 6:45 says: “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” In the verses prior to this, Jesus talks very plainly about our outward behaviors—and how they too will show what kind of person we really are. Do I love people, do I do good to them, and do I lend or give money to them for what I get in return? Do I judge, and condemn others, or do I forgive? Luke 6:43-44 says: “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes.”
I went for a walk with a friend of mine a few days before I left and later she followed up/summed up the conversation with an email saying: “Jane, what you say isn’t good enough. It’s time to practice what God has been pouring into your heart. As I said when we were walking, it is not enough for us to KNOW the right thing to do . . . until we DO the right thing to do. Gods' Word is ineffective in our lives if it doesn't change our hearts, which in turn, changes our actions. It is not enough for me to say that God is changing my heart and filling it with His love . . . if I continue to choose to speak negatively about others. What others know--by my actions--is that I am speaking out of my human yuck instead of God's grace.” How incredibly honest she was with me. Yes, it made me angry at first—a pouncing poignant indication “my rights” were being stepped on. Oh what a sinful wretch I am! BUT, Praise God!! Our Heavenly Father’s great grace and mercy and kindness that leads to repentance penetrated into my heart by the Holy Spirit’s power and I have repented, and am asking Him to change my heart. To change my heart so God’s truths are reflected in my behaviors. That my behaviors reveal to the glory of God what my beliefs truly are (His ways, His truths, His Word lived out daily).
I’m don’t want to talk more about the above—for I am just days into my journey. I don’t want to talk about me anymore—my desire is to focus on Jesus Christ. I do ask from anyone who is reading this for your forgiveness if I have in any way sinned in our relationship. My desire is to make this right with you. I would ask you to please write or call me if you want to talk about it. I want to personally and purposefully come back to being a part of the herd, the family, the community with you. My desire and prayer is not: Lord change my heart, so I am “better”. It is: Lord change my heart so YOU can accomplish YOUR will in my heart. Check out the words Jesus says to conclude his talk in Luke 6:46-49 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ When you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
Hoof beats. A herd. A family. Thank you CPYR for the privilege of being part of your herd these last 8 months. I am forever changed by the King of our herd: Jesus Christ. I am so deeply grateful to each of you. I love you all.
PART 2
Yes, being back in MI is bittersweet. It is not just the children and their families that I miss; I miss my horse family as well. I miss the laughter, joy and craziness of children. Talking, playing games, swinging, or just hangin’ out. I miss the sweet smell of horses. To bury my nose in their mane, or hair and smell and feel their breath on my face. Love is such an incredible gift. The love of people and the love of horses.
It would be impossible for me to recount the Mom’s, Dad’s, guardians, friends, and children who blessed me by their words and actions these months. Many tears were shed—tears of joy for what the Lord has done, as well as tears of sadness because physically we would be far apart. True, I was so looking forward to seeing my family back home in MI—but that didn’t ease the pain of saying “see you later” to those in Oregon.
I have literally hundreds and hundreds (if not thousands!!) of pictures I could share. A special thanks to all those who shared pictures with me! I hope these bless your heart, bring a smile to your face, and bring out the kid in ya :-).
My thoughts go in two different directions. First, I want to share with you from my heart. It is you, those who have supported and stood by me that share in this heart journey of mine. You have had a part in my life changing—forever—and for lives at the ranch being changed as well. Thank you for your part—I am humbly honored to be a recipient of your gifts. Secondly, I want to share some parting photos and thoughts as our ranch program wound down for the year. It was bittersweet to leave the new friends I made.
So, as you are probably used to by now, strap yourself in for this read. Get a cup of coffee or tea and settle in for a lengthy blog. My prayer is that He gets the glory, and when you are finished, your heart burns and longs and seeks Him more.
PART 1
Hoof beats. What comes to your mind when you read that? Probably an image of a horse. Then, as you think about it, it is not just the image, it is the sound. The sound of a horse, or a group of horses running, galloping, frolicking together. As you think more, it goes even deeper. It is about a community, relationships, and family. Horses are herd animals…meaning they are social creatures that require and desire interaction with others.
When I left Michigan and headed to Oregon I had much to ponder. I knew in my head that this was going to be an adventure of epic proportions. I knew horses had two ears and two eyes (usually), four legs and one tail—but that was about the extent of my horse knowledge. I had every confidence I would learn about horses, and maybe even grow to love them. There was no doubt that I loved children deeply and I was looking forward to spending time with them. I was looking forward to exploring God’s amazing creation on foot, on bike and on my motorcycle. What I didn’t factor in was the ranch staff. It wasn’t very long after arriving at Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch that it was very evident they were a family, a herd. Yes, there were individuals who had assigned duties and tasks that were done separately—yet looking deeper, not really. The longer I was there, the clearer it became that they worked together as a unit. They shared everything—and I mean everything. From the Starbucks coffee cup they were drinking out of, to creative administrative ideas, to working together on outdoor projects, to training and riding horses, to how they shared together in their walk of faith with God. From laughter to tears; from the hard times to the ecstatic times; from the times of struggles and challenges to the successes and victories; all were shared. There was an openness and accountability with each other in many areas of their personal and work lives. They, as a ranch family were committed to each other and put God and His principles first, others second and themselves last.
This was all slightly, well no, MAJORLY foreign to me. I’m a bit more hesitant and reluctant and sometimes have outright refused to live in such an open way. Part of how this came to be was as a defense mechanism, part as a matter of survival, and part, how I was raised. None of this excuses or rationalizes anything. I am no longer a child, and I have been able for a long time to make choices. A friend once told me: Your response is your responsibility.
As a newcomer, there seems to be this “dance” at the beginning of a relationship where they (CPYR) were checking me out, and, yes, I was doing the same with them. Their “dance” was short—and I was told with both words and actions that I was accepted wholeheartedly as part of the “CPYR herd” within days of arrival. I, on the other hand was not so gracious. I deep down wanted to be part of the herd—but only with some of my own terms. I wanted to keep what was “mine”. MY areas of pride, self sufficiency, and nicely hidden closets of my past and present.
What do you think happened?
We are such a “me” society. A “me culture”. It’s all about me. What I need, what I want, what I have, what I want to give you, what I possess, what I’ve done, where I’ve gone…I know you are tracking with me. We are bombarded by the TV and movies we watch, the books and magazines we read, and even the news shows we find so necessary to stay up on. Many themes are centered on how we can make our houses, cars, vacations, physical and mental bodies cleaner, better, healthier, prettier, or more stylish. The focus has shifted from “what about them, or how can I make help/make a difference with them”, to “what about me, and how I can help/make a difference in me”.
I was living in that “me-ism”. But, I rationalized, I was better than _________ because I didn’t have the extra house to vacation in, or a boat on the lake. I didn’t have the latest and greatest lawnmower, fashion clothes, vehicle, or decorations in my house. I volunteered, I gave money to charities, I was better then “them”. I didn’t see myself as isolated or insulated, prejudiced or prideful. It wasn’t like I lived as a hermit, I mean I led Bible Studies, was involved in the children’s program at church, had a job that required me to do lots of training, networking and use interpersonal skills. It wasn’t like I never shared myself with others. However, it was done on my terms. What or when I wanted to share or not to share. What or when I wanted to buy or not buy. I think you get the drift. It was all about me.
So, (meanwhile, back at the ranch :-) ) you can now begin to understand the inward struggle and my outward responses. You probably have read my blog up to this point, so I am not going to repeat what the Lord has been teaching/changing/molding in me. To summarize, I would say the first few months God’s focus was on my past—realizing that life is a process, that there are layers that He will always continue to peel back because He desires me to be more like Him. He wants me to release my past, and to let it go, layer by layer. To learn how to receive from Him, and from others. The middle months of my time in Oregon centered around my head injury and the healing process. I am not who I am because of what I can accomplish or tasks I can complete, I am who I am because of Who lives inside me, and Who wants every part of me surrendered to Him—including my “doing” parts. Relationships are so important—in fact vital and foundational for life. Jesus Christ was all about relationships—and while building and maintaining and loving and growing them He “did” miracles, or took boat rides, or ate meals. The last months at the ranch the Father’s focus was on my day to day living. It was not on the past, nor on relationships (and I could just as easily use the word community here), it was on how I lived and responded to life each day.
I attended Sisters Community Church while in Oregon and Pastor Tim repeated over and over and over again something I didn’t really “hear” until my drive home with Anna. It was during our conversations together that what was going on in my heart the last few months came in to focus by the power of the Holy Spirit. My heart was so convicted, and full of grief. Here are his words as I remember them: My behavior reveals what my beliefs truly are. I’ll repeat it again since it has taken me so long to begin to get it: my behavior reveals what my beliefs truly are. My negative, selfish, angry or prideful habits or attitudes are NOT a result of my “not feeling good health wise today”, or my financial situation, or “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed” or “someone hurt my feelings today”. My sarcastic or snippy or critical or judgmental words are not able to be rationalized away because of my background, or that is “how we normally talk to each other”, or, “I was just joking”, or “if they wouldn’t of said/done that to me then I wouldn’t of said/done that to them”, or “at least I am not as bad as _________”. Practically speaking then, when I say with my mouth that I believe in being kind, considerate, loving, gentle, tolerant, forgiving, etc--- it is only lip service (religion) and not truly my belief system when I act contrary. For what I REALLY, TRULY believe in my heart, is proved in my words and actions. Luke 6:45 says: “A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” In the verses prior to this, Jesus talks very plainly about our outward behaviors—and how they too will show what kind of person we really are. Do I love people, do I do good to them, and do I lend or give money to them for what I get in return? Do I judge, and condemn others, or do I forgive? Luke 6:43-44 says: “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes.”
I went for a walk with a friend of mine a few days before I left and later she followed up/summed up the conversation with an email saying: “Jane, what you say isn’t good enough. It’s time to practice what God has been pouring into your heart. As I said when we were walking, it is not enough for us to KNOW the right thing to do . . . until we DO the right thing to do. Gods' Word is ineffective in our lives if it doesn't change our hearts, which in turn, changes our actions. It is not enough for me to say that God is changing my heart and filling it with His love . . . if I continue to choose to speak negatively about others. What others know--by my actions--is that I am speaking out of my human yuck instead of God's grace.” How incredibly honest she was with me. Yes, it made me angry at first—a pouncing poignant indication “my rights” were being stepped on. Oh what a sinful wretch I am! BUT, Praise God!! Our Heavenly Father’s great grace and mercy and kindness that leads to repentance penetrated into my heart by the Holy Spirit’s power and I have repented, and am asking Him to change my heart. To change my heart so God’s truths are reflected in my behaviors. That my behaviors reveal to the glory of God what my beliefs truly are (His ways, His truths, His Word lived out daily).
I’m don’t want to talk more about the above—for I am just days into my journey. I don’t want to talk about me anymore—my desire is to focus on Jesus Christ. I do ask from anyone who is reading this for your forgiveness if I have in any way sinned in our relationship. My desire is to make this right with you. I would ask you to please write or call me if you want to talk about it. I want to personally and purposefully come back to being a part of the herd, the family, the community with you. My desire and prayer is not: Lord change my heart, so I am “better”. It is: Lord change my heart so YOU can accomplish YOUR will in my heart. Check out the words Jesus says to conclude his talk in Luke 6:46-49 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ When you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
Hoof beats. A herd. A family. Thank you CPYR for the privilege of being part of your herd these last 8 months. I am forever changed by the King of our herd: Jesus Christ. I am so deeply grateful to each of you. I love you all.
PART 2
Yes, being back in MI is bittersweet. It is not just the children and their families that I miss; I miss my horse family as well. I miss the laughter, joy and craziness of children. Talking, playing games, swinging, or just hangin’ out. I miss the sweet smell of horses. To bury my nose in their mane, or hair and smell and feel their breath on my face. Love is such an incredible gift. The love of people and the love of horses.
It would be impossible for me to recount the Mom’s, Dad’s, guardians, friends, and children who blessed me by their words and actions these months. Many tears were shed—tears of joy for what the Lord has done, as well as tears of sadness because physically we would be far apart. True, I was so looking forward to seeing my family back home in MI—but that didn’t ease the pain of saying “see you later” to those in Oregon.
I have literally hundreds and hundreds (if not thousands!!) of pictures I could share. A special thanks to all those who shared pictures with me! I hope these bless your heart, bring a smile to your face, and bring out the kid in ya :-).
Many have asked: what’s next? Am I going to return to Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch next year? I have been extended an invitation from them to return next season as a volunteer. Incredible! Thank you Jesus!! You ask: as a volunteer or as staff? The answer is: volunteer. Right now they are not hiring staff for next year. There is the possibility that after I return as a volunteer the Lord may lead them to ask me to be on staff. I have a deep desire to return, and am placing that before Him in prayer. I covet your prayers as well.
This month of December I am working on several things the Lord has told me to do. First, spending much time in prayer and fasting seeking Him and listening to hear His voice of direction. Second, as I am “unpacking” my house I am “simplifying” and giving away those items that I don’t need to keep. Thirdly, I had set aside some savings before I left for OR to Sheetrock and put up the trim in my log room. I also will finish the trim (window and baseboards) work in my bedroom. Fourthly, I am meeting with as many people as I can to share with them about what God has done at the ranch and in my life. It is my privilege and joy to share with others my life that is part of His story.
I am deeply thankful and indebted to all of you who have followed along with me in this journey either via thoughts, prayers, finances, letters, gifts, phone calls, cards…the list goes on. My prayer is that on your journey, you too are aware that you are a part of His story. That your hunger and thirst for righteousness is re-kindled and your heart is turned to Him for change. Together, we will be made more into His image as we listen to His teachings and obey His voice. That we accept and embrace ALL the “processes” in life because it draws us in a closer relationship with Him.
I am not sure when the next entry for this blog will be—but I’m quite sure there will be more to come!!
I close for now with two songs. The first is a hymn, the other a song that was written recently. They both have incredible lyrics.
Channels Only
Lyrics: Mary E. Maxwell
Music: Ada Rose Gibbs
1. How I praise Thee, precious Savior,
That Thy love laid hold of me;
Thou hast saved and cleansed and filled me
That I might Thy channel be.
2. Just a channel full of blessing,
To the thirsty hearts around;
To tell out Thy full salvation
All Thy loving message sound.
3. Emptied that Thou shouldest fill me,
A clean vessel in Thy hand;
With no power but as Thou givest
Graciously with each command.
4. Witnessing Thy power to save me,
Setting free from self and sin;
Thou who boughtest to possess me,
In Thy fullness, Lord, come in.
5. Jesus, fill now with Thy Spirit
Hearts that full surrender know;
That the streams of living water
From our inner self may flow.
Chorus:
Channels only, blessed Master,
But with all Thy wondrous power
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us
Every day and every hour.
Hillsong United lyrics - From The Inside Out
Album: United We Stand (2006)
A thousand times I've failed
1. How I praise Thee, precious Savior,
That Thy love laid hold of me;
Thou hast saved and cleansed and filled me
That I might Thy channel be.
2. Just a channel full of blessing,
To the thirsty hearts around;
To tell out Thy full salvation
All Thy loving message sound.
3. Emptied that Thou shouldest fill me,
A clean vessel in Thy hand;
With no power but as Thou givest
Graciously with each command.
4. Witnessing Thy power to save me,
Setting free from self and sin;
Thou who boughtest to possess me,
In Thy fullness, Lord, come in.
5. Jesus, fill now with Thy Spirit
Hearts that full surrender know;
That the streams of living water
From our inner self may flow.
Chorus:
Channels only, blessed Master,
But with all Thy wondrous power
Flowing through us, Thou canst use us
Every day and every hour.
Hillsong United lyrics - From The Inside Out
Album: United We Stand (2006)
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
May this Christmas season be the most joyous ever as you celebrate His birth!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
