Honesty: Mother's Day, Comfort Zones and the rest of life

Happy Mother's Day Mom!! You are the BESTEST Mom in the entire state of Oregon, Michigan--well all of the WORLD!!! I LOVE YOU!


My church service today was, probably like yours, focused on Mothers. The Pastor had 4 ladies up front--from the Grandma to the young Mom. He used the story of Hannah in I Samuel as the basis of his text, and then had the ladies respond from a mother's point of view. Interesting and insightful. I made it all the way through the service without tears until the last song...the lyrics so expressed my heart--I am nothing without You, Jesus. They focused on the truth that we want our lives to reflect Him, nothing of ourselves. As tears came down my cheeks a dear lady afterwards told me that tears are OK, they are good, they need to come out. Just yesterday when my Mom called to share with me about the fabulous and wonderful Mother-Daughter brunch at our church (that I wanted to be at with her but of course couldn't) we cried together at the realization of the miles of distance, but rejoiced in the fact that we are still very much connected in heart and spirit. Yesterday my Mom gave me the greatest gift: herself!

So, now onto comfort zones. What is a comfort zone? I suppose the simplest definition is: where we are comfortable. How/where is my comfort zone you ask? Well, I'm out of the ZONE!! Let me share:

1. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would miss my family so much. I have missed the closeness that comes from good, deep relationships that I have with my family. This distance has created a gap, a hole that I didn't anticipate would be so emotional, on so many different levels.

2. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the ranch would bring out of my heart and soul the thoughts, feelings and reactions that have been tucked away for so long. Working with the staff, and spending time with those that come to the ranch--each aspect is forcing me to deal with emotions that I have buried--and some that I didn't know I had.

3. I didn't, in my wildest dreams think that I would feel so alone. I've been single/alone my adult life so...nothing different here than at home right? Wrong!! Loneliness has taken on a whole new perspective. Must I say it? I'm definitely more emotional.

4. I didn't realize how tough it would be to integrate into a different church. Or even be able to worship in a new church. Or be able to connect spiritually with the message spoken. To not have friends to greet, or friends to greet me. This foundational stability in my life of church, the body of Christ, God's Word preached and songs sung that honor and glorify Him---this anchor has been removed.

5. How about cultural differences of a 3 hour time zone difference when you want to pick up the phone to call someone? How about putting extra time in one's schedule to get gas--since you cannot pump your own gas in Oregon and you are at the mercy of the time schedule of the one who comes out to pump, takes the nozzle out of the tank when it is finished, goes inside to get your change (skip that one from now on--I'm using my credit card!) and waiting for the receipt. Or, how about Hershey Hugs costing a dollar more a bag than at home! How about a dozen eggs going for around $4.00? How about wearing layers of clothes since 4 seasons in one day is the norm and getting a sunburn to boot! The culture here is very laid back compared to West Michigan. Everything from dress to being event oriented more than time oriented.

6. In my previous place of employment, I was the one in charge, the one who made the decisions, the one who trained employees. It has all been reversed. Now, I have to ask what to do. How to do it. When to do it. I am totally inept around horses--I don't know their "language", what to expect, or even how to act around a horse. I am the "newbie" starting a "new job" with all new people, a new environment, with new job skills to be learned.

So, is life horrible and terrible? NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, what I have described is part of my life right now! It is where I am at. It seems to have hit hard the past two weeks. Being out of "my" zone means an intense challenge: who or what is my focus? Friday night as I listened to a CD from my home church I was reminded from my Pastor that our Christian life is a walk of faith. It is a life to grow in. A life where if I am stagnant, not maturing, then I had better check to see if I have a pulse, or more importantly, am I living a life of faith?

Yes, I have stepped out in faith to come to Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God called me here for this season. Does that help me see this as an adventure instead of a trial? Yes, because I trust Him 100%. Does it make the changes/challenges go away? No. So where is my focus? On me? On what I do or don't have? On what I need or want? If the answer is yes, I am NOT living by faith. If the answer of where my focus is this: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5,6) then I can rest in knowing that my faith has, as the song writer put it, found a resting place.

My Faith Has Found a Resting Place

My faith has found a resting place, Not in device or creed; I trust the ever living One, His wounds for me shall plead.

Refrain:

I need no other argument, I need no other plea, It is enough that Jesus died, And that He died for me.

Enough for me that Jesus saves, This ends my fear and doubt; A sinful soul I come to Him, He’ll never cast me out.

Refrain

My heart is leaning on the Word, The written Word of God, Salvation by my Savior’s Name, Salvation through His blood.

Refrain

My great Physician heals the sick, The lost He came to save; For me His precious blood He shed, For me His life He gave.

Refrain

So, in these adventures, challenges, and changes I am seeing a different side of myself. I cannot remember a time when I have been so expressive with tears. Its kind of scary, kind of strange, kind of new territory for me. In the midst of it all, I am choosing to trust my Heavenly Father. I am choosing to lean on Him. I choose by faith to live out Proverbs 3:5,6.

One of the most fun days I had the past two weeks was a day when an 11yr old boy came to the ranch and it was his Birthday. There is a tradition at the ranch--anyone who has a birthday gets troughed. Literally, that means one gets thrown into the horses drinking trough clothes and all! John, as I will call him, didn't want to be troughed. Or, so he said with his lips. I perceived that he really did want to be troughed since it was his 4th year at the ranch and he had NEVER been troughed yet. In his defense, I will say, it was a bit nippy that day...but, hey the sun was out and there was a fire in the barn :-). After he picked out his horse that he wanted to ride for the day Brittany, myself and John began to paint his horse. Brittany and I tended to be a bit more creative in what we were drawing...until...John thought it would be funny to fling paint at me. HMM. So started the paint war :-). After his ride we went into the main barn and sang Happy Birthday to him, had some cheesecake, and then several of us grabbed him to trough him. The first time all he got wet was his legs, so, being the kind soul I am, I picked him up and dumped him back in! :-). All in all it was a great day of laughter, celebration and FUN!!

Just thought you would like to see a picture of my cowgirl hat with some blue Birthday paint still on it!

Another day a young gal around 12 came who is very used to getting her own way. This is the second time I have had a session time with her. She demonstrates this behavior with her challenging words and in her body language. She displays a toughness about her--which only is her protective shell for the inner person kept hidden underneath. As we were grooming the horse the conversation shifted to be a bit more personal. Her Grandma had died the week before and when I asked her about the funeral she shared with me the church she goes too. Immediately my heart cried out to Jesus--for she is involved in a cult that has stolen this girls identity. When she went to return the grooming bucket I prayed out loud to our Heavenly Father for protection for this dear girl who, because of her upbringing is blinded to who Jesus is and how much He loves her. This insight the Holy Spirit allowed me to see has given me a heart of compassion for this dear child. No longer do I struggle with her behavior, or how to talk to her, or how to be her friend. She is lost, and I pray that as she returns to the ranch each month she will come to see and know how much she is loved by Jesus and would be able to trust Him as her personal Savior. What matters is that she sees Him, and nothing of me. Please pray for her and those that will be her session leaders in the weeks to come.

The ranch has a horse called Little Bear. This horse is NOT little! In fact, if I remember correctly I can't see over his back! A pint sized 5 year old girl picked him out to be her horse. Yes, she could walk under him if she tried! This gentle giant allowed this youngster to groom him all the while giggling and laughing. A bench was brought out so she could at least get half his side! As she was riding bareback in the arena I asked her why she picked out Little Bear today. As she looked down to me with a huge smile on her face she said, "Because when I am on him, I can touch the sky!" Yes, with God, all things are possible--even touching the sky!

I am settled into my "new home" in the Barn :-). I am living with new hosts: John and Vickie. They have generously allowed me to stay in a very nice apartment they created in their barn. I am helping around their ranch by doing small chores, as well as taking care of their 5 horses, 2 dogs and 2 cats when they are away. The country air, wind stirring the trees, rain on the metal roof of the barn, and being ecstatically greeted by two dogs whenever I go outside--it is a balm to my soul and joy to my heart! Many many thanks again to Judy and Jerry for giving me a place to stay when I first arrived! God's provision for housing is a HUGE visible way I can see His hand guiding and leading me.

I do not have Internet access in my apartment, so I am adjusting by either visiting the local coffee shop, or the library. Both close before I leave work except the library stays open on Wednesday and Thursday until 8:00 p.m. They both have weekend hours that I can use as well. Your patience and understanding in waiting for me to reply to your e-mails is most appreciated.

Many thanks for all your prayers, letters, emails, packages and phone calls! I am grateful beyond words.

I wonder what surprises this week will hold? How about for you? Join me in this adventure of faith--we serve the same Awesome God!

Keep smilin' and lookin' to Jesus with me today! :-)